Tag: Anxiety

Eating Habits

For May – I found that I wanted to become less self-confined and eat at least one main meal at the kitchen table (with or without others).

This has been a hard habit to break and although I started off well and was eating 2 meals a day in my shared kitchen, I have since reduced it to 1 meal a day.

I have a sense of disappointment in myself for not sitting at the table. What difference does it make if I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in my room…? My anxiety says it makes a big difference.

This month I remind myself that even small changes make a difference and that I am still eating in the shared kitchen – even if it is only briefly.

 

Almost halfway through the year now. Crazy how that happens!

Today I Was A Soldier

I have returned ‘home’ – to my mother’s house.

To start this time off well, to hit the ground running – I set off to Church this morning.

I thought a calming and comforting environment would be nice, maybe one or two familiar faces that I would not be opposed to seeing.

I found myself surrounded by people who knew me, knew my grandparents and who greeted me with large smiles.

I had not expected to be approached by the vicar and asked to play a role, “would you like to be a soldier?” I had not expected to say yes, to be thankful and grateful for being asked. A reading took place, everyone had a role to play, a few lines to read.

Speaking out loud is not my cup of tea. For a while as a teenager, I was mute. Speaking out loud in public situations is sometimes still difficult. But I did it and I did it loudly.

The morning was spent being much more sociable than I had expected it to be, a whole morning of;

“Hello, Chloe.”
“How are you, Chloe?”
“Nice to see you, Chloe!”
“How are you enjoying University?”

I almost made someone cry. She had not heard I had moved, that I had got into University. Her joy was shown in the many hugs she could not stop giving me, in the misty eyes looking into mine and in her words, “everything comes around eventually, Chloe. Hearing this has just made my day!”

I did not know what I was expecting, but the unexpected was perhaps the best thing that could have happened. I feel as though I have a little more breath in my lungs and as though a part of me has fallen back into place.

I feel so proud for speaking aloud and being able to hold a conversation with people. Something that I would not have managed quite so effortlessly just a few short months ago.

 

 

Anxiety is

Anxiety is: not catching your breath
Anxiety is: not wanting to move
Anxiety is: needing to move
Anxiety is: taking sugar in your tea, but not reaching over to lift it from the pot
Anxiety is: shaking so much that the whole world seems to move on its axis
Anxiety is: fingers placed in ears, on eyes, on neck
Anxiety is: digging nails into legs just to have something else to focus on
Anxiety is

 

Try

A friend said to me yesterday, “I have to try, right?”

Yes. You do.

Fighting against social anxiety, off they went to socialise after a long break away from such things.

This morning, I asked him, “Did you have a good night?”

Yes. I did.

Small steps win the race, folks.

Know your limits and when to push them. Trying means you’re winning.

Never stop, beauts! Never stop.

Triumphant (REDJanuary)

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Along this road, there is a school. A school that left with enough trauma that I have not been able to walk by it since I left at age 12.

Despite many attempts and the support of a friend – it was just never something I could do without extreme anxiety.

Today though, I smashed it!

5,700 steps later, I felt triumphant! 

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