Some times things happen at the right time, without any time to prepare. Some times, these things are exactly what is needed…
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome )
I have no words to write – this rarely happens…
It is better said:
I Should Have Walked Out
April was meant to be my ‘drink more water and cut down on chocolate’ month…
I started off relatively well, I was drinking more water than I have ever known myself drink. I also managed to cut down on my chocolate intake to 1 bar every other day instead of 2+ bars a day (small bars).
Then Easter break happened and I came back to my mum’s. The cupboards are full of treats and so much food that I have had to stuff myself full of it to make sure it gets eaten before it starts growing its own organisms.
I have not been drinking water, instead, I have just been drinking tea.
(Still not buying carbonated drinks though!)
I have had 3 small diet Pepsi’s since February and that has only been due to me socialising at the local bars/pubs.
However, surprisingly, what I have not had this month, (at all) is… crisps. Something I was eating 2 bags of a day most days. My cupboard at my mums is stocked with 2 big variety packs of crisps – they remain untouched. I guess this is what I am doing this month!
Now, what about next month?
I have returned ‘home’ – to my mother’s house.
To start this time off well, to hit the ground running – I set off to Church this morning.
I thought a calming and comforting environment would be nice, maybe one or two familiar faces that I would not be opposed to seeing.
I found myself surrounded by people who knew me, knew my grandparents and who greeted me with large smiles.
I had not expected to be approached by the vicar and asked to play a role, “would you like to be a soldier?” I had not expected to say yes, to be thankful and grateful for being asked. A reading took place, everyone had a role to play, a few lines to read.
Speaking out loud is not my cup of tea. For a while as a teenager, I was mute. Speaking out loud in public situations is sometimes still difficult. But I did it and I did it loudly.
The morning was spent being much more sociable than I had expected it to be, a whole morning of;
“How are you, Chloe?”
“Nice to see you, Chloe!”
“How are you enjoying University?”
I almost made someone cry. She had not heard I had moved, that I had got into University. Her joy was shown in the many hugs she could not stop giving me, in the misty eyes looking into mine and in her words, “everything comes around eventually, Chloe. Hearing this has just made my day!”
I did not know what I was expecting, but the unexpected was perhaps the best thing that could have happened. I feel as though I have a little more breath in my lungs and as though a part of me has fallen back into place.
I feel so proud for speaking aloud and being able to hold a conversation with people. Something that I would not have managed quite so effortlessly just a few short months ago.
The bangs of the cannon can be heard from the walk up
A smell in the air that baffles my brain as it tries to place it
The canal, calm, as people walk and the taxi boat floats by
There is a plane up ahead; I wonder when it will be me up there looking down
Parents and children walk with tired intention
Another milestone achieved, silently unnoticed.
Even by me.
You always told me, “One day…”
Trying in vain to prepare me for these days.
In the early days, I notice your hat is still there – I make a mental note to ask if I can keep it,
But then in the blink of an eye – it is gone.
I take your collection of ties without waiting for a better time,
Folding them up neatly in a bag.
I think of the sadness in your eyes whenever you spoke of a family who was long since gone,
Always preparing me for, “One day…”
I never expected ‘one day’ would feel like this,
Never imagined I would understand so accurately that sadness I saw within you.
Weeks later, we are standing outside our house,
We are all here, waiting.
Liz announces the arrival of the hearse with a deafening, “He’s here.”
Nic and I lose composure, eyes dropping immediately to our feet.
I sit in the funeral car, with your daughters – the magnitude of that moment hits hard,
I am the only grandchild in the car and I wonder, does that not speak volumes?
The house is empty,
I am showing prospective buyers around.
They want to change everything – strip it bare and start anew,
I want to drag them out but instead, I just remove myself.
“One day, I won’t be here anymore. You’ll be telling your grandchildren about me like I am telling you about mine.”
For someone who averaged anywhere between 1000 – 1300 steps a day, every couple of weeks. I took on the challenge of REDJanuary to get active.
I aimed for 5000 steps a day, every day. I gave myself the option of fewer steps, as long as I went out of the house at some point.
My goal was that every single day, I would venture out and get some fresh polluted air. I did well.
I did have 3 days where I felt exhausted and thus did not push myself. I am a firm believer that you do as much as you can but KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
I started small with 5000 steps and aim to continue on. I will no longer be actively counting my steps but I shall be trying to keep up the positive change of getting out into the fresh air at least once a day.
In 2016, I had to go through the process of UCAS. I had to apply to several different Universities and hope that one of them would invite me to an interview.
In 2017, all but 1 sent for me (the other 1, no longer ran the course I had PAID to apply for).
My top choice asked me to go for an interview. How exciting!
Except it wasn’t. My cat had just passed away and the world felt incredibly numb. All my coursemates were applying and interviewing and giddy. I just wanted it all to be over with. I would never be accepted anyways, I would just go and do it, just to say that I had.
So off I went…
The interview included: a one to one interview, a group interview/discussion and a written piece of work.
I was never once nervous, I did not fret. I said what I thought and was honest with my educational background. I wrote what I thought and did so with an academic flare.
Today is one year since the interview.
I am now a student at that University.
Sometimes, those days where you really do not want to, are the days where you absolutely should.