This month, I started out with the idea of taking up jogging – a positive step towards physical fitness.
So, on the 1st of June, I jogged and then thus ended my jogging experience. Once was enough. It was not enjoyable and was slightly painful to my already sensitive joints.
So I was going to have a month free of the pressure to do something new, however, I have actually still completed some goals.
I have said yes to many things. I have worked hard to earn some much-needed money and I have socialised more than I can ever remember socialising. I have said ‘yes’ to last minute plans, I have travelled more than I have ever dared, gone on day trips to a place that I have been wanting to go to for over a decade and created strong bonds with people I have only recently met. Finally understanding what people mean when they speak about ‘clicking’ with people and feeling as though you have known them years when in reality it has only been a few short months.
June has seen me returning home to my mum for a while, I turned another year older, my mum got the all-clear after completing treatment for pre-cancerous cells, my aunt still remains in remission and I have passed my first year of University.
With thanks to the people around me, I have managed to remain in my hometown with minimal depressive thoughts.
Saying yes has been scarily exciting and the month is not over yet!
For May – I found that I wanted to become less self-confined and eat at least one main meal at the kitchen table (with or without others).
This has been a hard habit to break and although I started off well and was eating 2 meals a day in my shared kitchen, I have since reduced it to 1 meal a day.
I have a sense of disappointment in myself for not sitting at the table. What difference does it make if I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in my room…? My anxiety says it makes a big difference.
This month I remind myself that even small changes make a difference and that I am still eating in the shared kitchen – even if it is only briefly.
Almost halfway through the year now. Crazy how that happens!
Take a breath,
Wear that dress, that top.
Change your shoes,
Put on those heels.
Straighten your posture,
Raise your head to look them in the eye.
Choose what you want,
Ignore the voices that tell you differently, that shame you.
Embrace your difference,
Choose to change what you aren’t comfortable with.
Make those changes.
Make those choices.
The only person’s opinion that matters
It was not planned, it was not something I had thought I was going to do today. Sitting by the grave, looking at their names carved into the headstone, I talk…
“I need some sort of divine intervention. I don’t know what to do. Do I move to the City and work to improve my life or just stay where I am and work to improve things here?”
I leave, put in my headphones and catch the end of the song that is playing…
…It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Bright lights in the big city
Belongs to us tonight
I’ve got the magic in me
Every time I touch that track it turns into gold
Know everybody knows I’ve got the magic in me
The next song plays and I hear these words:
Live life like you’re giving up
‘Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart
I choose to believe that this was what I had asked for.
I thank you and I love you.
( Songwriters: Benjamin Heyward Iii Allen / Anthony Rhichardo Reyes / Thomas Decarlo Callaway Trebles Finals: Bright Lights Bigger City/Magic lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management )
( Songwriters: Amy Wadge / Ed Sheeran Even My Dad Does Sometimes lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC )
What if I liked living here?
Friend says, “There is nothing to photograph here.”
My mind says, “The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust.
There is no privacy here.
But this, right now feels so private. There is no one here but me. I feel so at peace in this moment.
Shortcut, this way.
Let us take the shortcut so that the memories do not climb into the pores of us. It is easier this way.
Repair the broken, replace it and it becomes something completely new. Never again shall it be the same.
Walking around looking for my next photograph instead of just looking. Take a breath. Take it in. The only people who seem to be out and about today are the dog walkers.
If you have the same thought often enough, you should listen to it. If “I do not want you in my life” is a daily thought, you should listen to yourself. *I should listen to myself* Reach out to the right people, not the wrong ones. Even if all you are surrounded by are ‘wrong ones’.
“Everything that makes you not perfect, makes you perfectly who you are.”
There is a moment afterwards when you realise that you have just scrolled through every picture. A hurtful moment during when you realise you do miss them. A sad moment straight after that one when you remember you don’t want them in your life for a reason. And hopefully, that final moment afterwards makes you feel strength. A strength that helps you to close the tab, to close the app, to put down the phone.
A realisation that the happy memories are from years ago and that the recent memories are tainted by being treated carelessly. A realisation that negative repetitive behaviour is not welcome in your life. That if you had been around different people you would have realised sooner how that is not how friendship is supposed to work.
Friendship is two people. People who both want to make an effort to stay in touch and support each other. It is give and take. Not just let me give while you take. I no longer want to give all of myself. I no longer want you to take the little pieces of me that I can never get back.
Tomorrow could change my life. A door is open and I am walking through it. The opportunity is there, the chance that will help me to create the life that I long to live. It is scary as hell. I am waiting for it to not happen, expecting it to be another dead end. It is less scary if everything stays as it is. Even if I am not happy with how it is, right now. Change is scary, right?
I really want this chance. This opportunity, even if it is temporary, would offer me so much. Independence, freedom and confidence. I will have another stepping stone to help me to live. To no longer be thinking about it or hoping for it. I will be living the dream of where I should be. No longer looking at others and wondering what that feeling is like to have *that*.
If it doesn’t happen. Then at least the experience of trying will give me more confidence to approach the next opportunity.