I Been Standing In The Same Place For Eighteen Years

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Bestie 1: (2009)
Standing in doorways was the hardest thing I could ever do at one time. All of our gatherings were either at my house with the doors closed or me on one side and you on the other.

You went off to college and I stayed standing in the same place, never moving, never progressing. To live through questioning you: What is college like? What is it like being on a bus alone? What friendships are like when you can choose them for yourself…

One day, I asked you if you thought I could do it one day. You were always positive with your encouragement that I would not always be left standing in the same place. Until you asked me what I wanted to do…

“Dunno. Maybe psychology or something. You think I could do that?” 
“Honestly?”
“Yeah.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

 

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Bestie 2: (2016)
You helped me through it. “Come on, C. Let’s go for a walk.” Encouraging but never pushing. Any time I needed to turn back and retreat, you were with me. Only made it to the end of the driveway? “You made it to the end of the driveway, C! You’re doing great!” 

But then I recovered and the dynamic changed. I no longer needed a hand to hold every time I set foot out of that doorway. I could walk down the street and walk into a shop without needing to retreat.

“I’m thinking of applying to do this Access to Higher Education course. Not really sure what it’s about but I think it helps with Uni and stuff.”
“Don’t do it.”
“Why?”
“It isn’t worth it.”
“It’s psychology and stuff, I’ve always been really interested in that kinda thing.”
“Yeah. It’s your thing. It’ll interest you and you’ll leave.”
“What?”
“It’ll open doors for you and you’ll go. You aren’t going to stay around here, are you? You’ll leave and I’ll miss you.” 
“My plan has always been to leave.”
“I know, but now it’s real. Don’t do it.”

 

The dialogue from Fences between Troy and Rose has always spoken to me. This morning a thought entered my head that perhaps it spoke to me because, for a time, it was me and it could have been me for much longer if I had felt a bigger need to put my closest friends before myself. 

My two closest friends believed without a doubt that I would get better one day, or they at least portrayed such a belief. In the years following, however, they were not so keen on my decreasing need for dependence. What was once two very strong, positive friendships suddenly became volatile and hurtful. A lot of deceit that had been previously hidden came to light… their only reason being “we were protecting you!”

 

The guilt felt from putting myself first and walking away is slowly fading, although, I am unsure if it shall ever truly fade completely.

 

FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.FENCES.

 …It’s not easy for me to admit that I been standing in the same place for eighteen years.

…I been standing with you! I been right here with you.
( http://www.iupui.edu/~elit/fences/fen21txt.html )

220px-Fences_(August_Wilson_play_-_script_cover)( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fences_(play) )

 

Saying Yes

This month, I started out with the idea of taking up jogging – a positive step towards physical fitness.

So, on the 1st of June, I jogged and then thus ended my jogging experience. Once was enough. It was not enjoyable and was slightly painful to my already sensitive joints.

So I was going to have a month free of the pressure to do something new, however, I have actually still completed some goals.

I have said yes to many things. I have worked hard to earn some much-needed money and I have socialised more than I can ever remember socialising. I have said ‘yes’ to last minute plans, I have travelled more than I have ever dared, gone on day trips to a place that I have been wanting to go to for over a decade and created strong bonds with people I have only recently met. Finally understanding what people mean when they speak about ‘clicking’ with people and feeling as though you have known them years when in reality it has only been a few short months.

June has seen me returning home to my mum for a while, I turned another year older, my mum got the all-clear after completing treatment for pre-cancerous cells, my aunt still remains in remission and I have passed my first year of University.

With thanks to the people around me, I have managed to remain in my hometown with minimal depressive thoughts.

Saying yes has been scarily exciting and the month is not over yet!

Try

A friend said to me yesterday, “I have to try, right?”

Yes. You do.

Fighting against social anxiety, off they went to socialise after a long break away from such things.

This morning, I asked him, “Did you have a good night?”

Yes. I did.

Small steps win the race, folks.

Know your limits and when to push them. Trying means you’re winning.

Never stop, beauts! Never stop.

QueerBaiting

( http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/beca-and-chloe-bechloe/images/39451584/title/bechloe-photo )

Bechloe

 

I have just recently seen PP3 – wow.

I love, love, love the representation of female friendship in a positive light. While the humour within the film did not reach me, I enjoyed the movie enough to watch from beginning to end.

Although I shall freely admit that my completion of the film was with the intent to see the progression of Beca and Chloe. I had heard such hopeful rumours of flirting and even (would you believe it) a kiss.

QUEERBAITING.

So, after watching this third film, I have one burning question in my mind – was the film a success due to exploitation because people were expecting a Bechloe romance?

 

QUEERBAITING.

I do have to state, however, that regardless of their reasoning and their ways of promotion – I shall always adore these women.

BRAVE

I try not to put people on pedestals
Then I find this note
You describe me as ‘brave’.

It makes it hard
Hard not to see you as a positive light
In a dark world – you shine

Up Close and Personal

 

What if I liked living here?

Friend says, “There is nothing to photograph here.”
My mind says, “The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust.

There is no privacy here.

But this, right now feels so private. There is no one here but me. I feel so at peace in this moment.

Shortcut, this way.

Let us take the shortcut so that the memories do not climb into the pores of us. It is easier this way.

Trust.

Repair the broken, replace it and it becomes something completely new. Never again shall it be the same.

Walking.

Walking around looking for my next photograph instead of just looking. Take a breath. Take it in. The only people who seem to be out and about today are the dog walkers.

Reaching.

If you have the same thought often enough, you should listen to it. If “I do not want you in my life” is a daily thought, you should listen to yourself. *I should listen to myself* Reach out to the right people, not the wrong ones. Even if all you are surrounded by are ‘wrong ones’.

“Everything that makes you not perfect, makes you perfectly who you are.”

Friendship

There is a moment afterwards when you realise that you have just scrolled through every picture. A hurtful moment during when you realise you do miss them. A sad moment straight after that one when you remember you don’t want them in your life for a reason. And hopefully, that final moment afterwards makes you feel strength. A strength that helps you to close the tab, to close the app, to put down the phone.

A realisation that the happy memories are from years ago and that the recent memories are tainted by being treated carelessly. A realisation that negative repetitive behaviour is not welcome in your life. That if you had been around different people you would have realised sooner how that is not how friendship is supposed to work.

Friendship is two people. People who both want to make an effort to stay in touch and support each other. It is give and take. Not just let me give while you take. I no longer want to give all of myself. I no longer want you to take the little pieces of me that I can never get back.