“You want me to speak? You want to hear my voice? Then listen to me. I’m a subtle person, I ain’t about to start shouting just so my voice rises above yours. You want to hear what I want to say, you gotta shut up for a second and listen to me.”
Moving does not solve all problems – I was aware of this. I had reminded myself of this everytime I saw a film where the protagonist’s past followed them into their present.
Moving felt like breathing. Almost like for the first time in my whole goddamn life, I could breathe easy. No more elephants sitting on my chest, no more gasping and no more struggle.
I visited. I went back, albeit briefly. The journey was no problem, it was very straightforward, however, walking back into my mum’s house felt like walking into someone else’s house. It no longer felt like mine, my room no longer felt familiar.
By the second day, I felt it. Sadness.
There was a shadow. I instinctively thought it was my cat, my boy. My cat that is no longer physically here. My boy, the life that ended because of my decision, because of my love for him. My heart not being able to live with the knowledge he was hurting, dying. He no longer waits for me at that doorway, it was not him.
3 days of hiding, of “Quick, cross the road. Cross the road. Quick.” to avoid not having to see people, of not wanting to socialise.
And then back again, home. The journey delayed by an hour did not phase me, my iPod dying did not phase me, I was numb.
And then finally
While watching The Big Bang Theory, I heard Sheldon Cooper explaining the science of the genetic predisposition to the Fight or Flight response.
*Enter my natural curiosity for life and the wonder of Google…*
There is a gene called the SRY Gene that is responsible for prenatal testes development. It also has involvement with the heart, lungs and brain – all of which are affected by the nervous system. This gene is only found in males and may explain how male stress is more aggressive in nature. ( https://www.livescience.com/18983-gene-male-stress-response.html )
I also came across the term ‘Tend and Befriend’ in regards to how females respond to stress…
Science: “When female animals are given an injection of oxytocin, for example, they behave as if a social switch has been turned on,” she writes. “They seek out more social contact with their friends and relatives.” ( https://experiencelife.com/article/tend-and-befriend/ )
These scientific explanations go to show the differences between the genders in a biological sense. As a student, I have previously looked into the gender differences from a psychology perspective.
I found that there is a 12% difference when it comes to reporting mental illness. The male mentality is often that they are strong men who cannot acknowledge any struggles they may face without facing a harsh stigma – so they do not report it or seek help for it.
Men tend to work for longer, retiring later in life and having limited social interaction once they no longer have a daily work routine in place. Mental illness is found to be higher in older males who live alone.
The gender imbalance is one that interests me greatly. There are many times where I have noticed the stigma attached to mental health become much heavier when it is in relation to men.
I am not a scientist or a psychologist – just a curious individual writing down thoughts.
I wish I understood the whole science aspect of it – maybe one day!
I have often in the past been criticised. Not due to any specific aspects of myself, but for who I am as a whole. They want to change me, want me to conform and be more like them.
But, here is the thing; I like who I am as a person.
As someone who had a literal phobia of people (Anthropophobia), I do amazingly well in everyday life. I go out of my way to start conversations and engage with people.
I like that my personality is more subtle.
I like that I do not drink alcohol.
I like that I do not do drugs.
I like that I have morals.
I like that I have manners.
I like that I do not demand attention.
I like that I am taken seriously.
I like that I am trusted.
I like that I am strong.
I like that I am independent.
I like that I am aware.
I like that I am honest.
I like that I have walls.
I like who I am as a person.