I Survived

“I wake up every morning, get dressed and carry on with the day. Even when I don’t feel like it, it’s just what you do.” – Grandad

I was raised strong. I was always a child that held fire in her eyes and I loved it. I challenged people. I questioned life. You get up in the morning and you start anew, you continue on and work through each day.

I have had panic disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression and PTSD but I ALWAYS got up in a morning – even if that was all I did. I had moments of not eating, months of being mute, years of being bullied and belittled. That fire within me dimmed significantly, but it still existed. I still kept hold of that strength, it got me through. Every day was a new day.

I lost my mind somewhere around 2004, so many weeks and months that I have no recollection of. But I got myself out of bed. Always. Made sure to look after my body, if not my mind. Sleep. Eat. Wash. Dress. Read. Repeat.

Never in my life have I been broken.

Until 12:30pm on January 11th 2018. It was a Thursday.

Everything stopped.

There was no more getting out of bed. Eating was something I held zero interest in doing. In bed, I stayed, for 4 days.

But then, Monday came around and I was expected in University. So, up I got and off I went.

I survived. Unwillingly.

I went from stiff upper lip, ‘I’ve never cried in public’ to “Oh, I’m crying on the bus.”

Falling apart in public became a frequent occurrence. Crying in public bathrooms, on buses, in the street and in the shop was no longer something within my control. It just happened.

I survived.


d19b964fae0f4e83a864f21cbfe42616( http://notsomommy.com/?utm_content=buffer56cf5&utm_medium=social&utm_source=pinterest.com&utm_campaign=buffer )

I Don’t Know What This Is

Grief or Depression?

Symptoms of Grief:                                                           Symptoms of Depression:

Tiredness                                                                             Tiredness
Restlessness                                                                        Restlessness
Aches and pains                                                                Aches and pains
Anxiety                                                                                Feeling empty/numb
Difficulty breathing                                                          Difficulty speaking
Loss of appetite                                                                  Loss of appetite
Comfort eating                                                                   Eating too much
Trouble sleeping/too much sleep                                  Trouble sleeping/too much sleep
Lack of concentration                                                     Difficulty remembering things

( https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/coping-grief-teenager/physical-symptoms-grief )
( https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/symptoms/#signs )

I have been depressed. This feeling, right now, is different. I don’t know how, or why – it just is.

I have met grief, several times. This feeling, right now, is different. I don’t know what this is.