“I wake up every morning, get dressed and carry on with the day. Even when I don’t feel like it, it’s just what you do.” – Grandad
I was raised strong. I was always a child that held fire in her eyes and I loved it. I challenged people. I questioned life. You get up in the morning and you start anew, you continue on and work through each day.
I have had panic disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression and PTSD but I ALWAYS got up in a morning – even if that was all I did. I had moments of not eating, months of being mute, years of being bullied and belittled. That fire within me dimmed significantly, but it still existed. I still kept hold of that strength, it got me through. Every day was a new day.
I lost my mind somewhere around 2004, so many weeks and months that I have no recollection of. But I got myself out of bed. Always. Made sure to look after my body, if not my mind. Sleep. Eat. Wash. Dress. Read. Repeat.
Never in my life have I been broken.
Until 12:30pm on January 11th 2018. It was a Thursday.
There was no more getting out of bed. Eating was something I held zero interest in doing. In bed, I stayed, for 4 days.
But then, Monday came around and I was expected in University. So, up I got and off I went.
I survived. Unwillingly.
I went from stiff upper lip, ‘I’ve never cried in public’ to “Oh, I’m crying on the bus.”
Falling apart in public became a frequent occurrence. Crying in public bathrooms, on buses, in the street and in the shop was no longer something within my control. It just happened.
Grief or Depression?
Symptoms of Grief: Symptoms of Depression:
Aches and pains Aches and pains
Anxiety Feeling empty/numb
Difficulty breathing Difficulty speaking
Loss of appetite Loss of appetite
Comfort eating Eating too much
Trouble sleeping/too much sleep Trouble sleeping/too much sleep
Lack of concentration Difficulty remembering things
( https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/coping-grief-teenager/physical-symptoms-grief )
( https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/symptoms/#signs )
I have been depressed. This feeling, right now, is different. I don’t know how, or why – it just is.
I have met grief, several times. This feeling, right now, is different. I don’t know what this is.