Crunch It

August has felt like a bit of an odd month, neither here nor there.

I’m starting to lose my willpower now, my motivation to do something new each month is severely lacking.

I decided to try exercise, to crunch, every so often. I had initially thought every other day but then that did not happen.

I walk a lot – living in the City so I made a compromise… on the days where I am home and not walking 3+ miles a day, I will crunch.

Despite watching countless YouTube videos on how to crunch appropriately, I am still unsure if I am actually crunching, or just doing sit ups – either way, it ticks the box.

 

Acknowledgement​

July is always a horrid month for me and mine.

Too many anniversaries bring feelings full of loss and despair for most of the month.

This month, in the midst of sadness, I have moved out of my shared accommodation and into my own place.

This month is bringing with it a reminder of what being free is, of what it feels like to be a strong and independent woman and an acknowledgement of who I am.

I am allowing myself to be sad but trying to pull myself out of wallowing. To see this month as something other than awful.

It is with this thought in mind that I wonder what next July will bring.

Perhaps, it is time to move past sadness and look for a way to celebrate…

Saying Yes

This month, I started out with the idea of taking up jogging – a positive step towards physical fitness.

So, on the 1st of June, I jogged and then thus ended my jogging experience. Once was enough. It was not enjoyable and was slightly painful to my already sensitive joints.

So I was going to have a month free of the pressure to do something new, however, I have actually still completed some goals.

I have said yes to many things. I have worked hard to earn some much-needed money and I have socialised more than I can ever remember socialising. I have said ‘yes’ to last minute plans, I have travelled more than I have ever dared, gone on day trips to a place that I have been wanting to go to for over a decade and created strong bonds with people I have only recently met. Finally understanding what people mean when they speak about ‘clicking’ with people and feeling as though you have known them years when in reality it has only been a few short months.

June has seen me returning home to my mum for a while, I turned another year older, my mum got the all-clear after completing treatment for pre-cancerous cells, my aunt still remains in remission and I have passed my first year of University.

With thanks to the people around me, I have managed to remain in my hometown with minimal depressive thoughts.

Saying yes has been scarily exciting and the month is not over yet!

Eating Habits

For May – I found that I wanted to become less self-confined and eat at least one main meal at the kitchen table (with or without others).

This has been a hard habit to break and although I started off well and was eating 2 meals a day in my shared kitchen, I have since reduced it to 1 meal a day.

I have a sense of disappointment in myself for not sitting at the table. What difference does it make if I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in my room…? My anxiety says it makes a big difference.

This month I remind myself that even small changes make a difference and that I am still eating in the shared kitchen – even if it is only briefly.

 

Almost halfway through the year now. Crazy how that happens!

I Guess This Is What I Am Doing This Month

April was meant to be my ‘drink more water and cut down on chocolate’ month…

I started off relatively well, I was drinking more water than I have ever known myself drink. I also managed to cut down on my chocolate intake to 1 bar every other day instead of 2+ bars a day (small bars).

Then Easter break happened and I came back to my mum’s. The cupboards are full of treats and so much food that I have had to stuff myself full of it to make sure it gets eaten before it starts growing its own organisms.

I have not been drinking water, instead, I have just been drinking tea.

(Still not buying carbonated drinks though!)

I have had 3 small diet Pepsi’s since February and that has only been due to me socialising at the local bars/pubs.

However, surprisingly, what I have not had this month, (at all) is… crisps. Something I was eating 2 bags of a day most days. My cupboard at my mums is stocked with 2 big variety packs of crisps – they remain untouched. I guess this is what I am doing this month!

 

Now, what about next month?

 

January

Happy January!
It is already a month of discovery and firsts.

I have started the year off with a bang and already done several things that I have never before done. What an experience!

I am a teetotal person, I have zero interest in any kind of substances or drugs (apart from caffeine). This did not, however, stop me from:

  1. Going to a last-minute party on New Year’s Eve (despite only knowing 2 people there)
  2. Playing cards against humanity (for the first time)
  3. Dancing on my friend’s pool table (despite my brain telling me that I would look stupid)
  4. Attending a nightclub at 2am (even though I’m usually asleep by 22:00)
  5. Dancing with strangers (who were big on invading personal space)
  6. Arriving in bed at 5am (without any anxiety)

I have started January off with being super proud of myself. These were things that I have always wondered if I would ever have an opportunity to do (I never did them in my teens/early 20’s). While the jury is still out on whether it was my cup of tea, I have no regrets and remember a night full of fun, laughter and smiles.

For the first time, EVER, I feel as though I have started the New Year off right! Reminding myself occasionally throughout the night that it is okay to just be in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.

I saw in the New Year with friends and strangers who were all superb – it was exactly what was needed.

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And then, this morning… I got attention from this Mr.

 

 

 
And while I miss my own boy terribly, I felt comfort from the cuddles I received from this little feline.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

( https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/wedding-poems/i-carry-your-heart-by-ee-cummings_315.htm )

 

 

New Year

I am sad a lot. I get asked if I am okay, several times a day. Each time my response is the same, “Yeah, just tired.”

There is no one thing, there is nothing. No main reason for such sadness, it just is.

This year – 2018 – will be the year that I write down one positive thing each day. So that by the end of the year I can look back at all the wonderful things that have happened to me and feel grateful for them.

This year I will try to be my best self, even on the worst days.